I don’t cry – why nature connection therapy works

Since I have started working in Nature connection and woodland therapy, I have had to get used to the fact that people often cry on me. In fact, I don’t think I ever go a full week without tears. This is not because we are uncovering some deep hidden trauma within them, because I am not a counsellor, but it seems the act of being in nature creates some kind of mental release.

What does crying signal? It can mean frustration, it can mean sorrow, it can mean grief. But it signals some kind of end. “I am at the end of what I can tolerate.” It should be a big social que to those around that says “I need help and support to do this thing.”

When I take someone on an adventure day (nature therapy day), it will involve me looking after all aspects of the day. I facilitate all the food, I plan the walk, I pick them up and drive them there. They can completely turn their brains off and relax. From the outset, conversation normally revolves around what is going on in life at the moment. As we drive further away from Bristol, phone signal goes off. There is now no internet. No social media. They put their phones away and look out the window. They start to wake up from digital coma and suddenly see the world around them. They understand that they are no longer “on call” to anyone.

When planning an adventure day, I will spend time asking what aspects of the outdoors inspires them: Mountains? Forest? the sea? raging rivers? breath taking views? I will build a bespoke day based on what makes their heart sing. Why? It makes you breath. You know, when you drive up a long steep hill and suddenly see for miles and miles? What do you do? You take a huge, deep inbreath. This is the thing that flips a switch in your brain and screams “I am alive”.

And why do people feel better after an adventure day? It is not about problem solving your issues. It is not about me offering advice or solutions. Most humans are at the end of what they can tolerate because they actually don’t feel heard. Some humans are at the end of what they can tolerate because they don’t understand the emotions behind what they are feeling. People, especially women, are so accustomed to fulfilling everyone else’s emotional needs that they have actually turned off their ability to hear their own. This can lead to massive feelings of frustration and anger, without fully understanding why. And often we think this is down to the practical and physical indicators rather than the emotions that are actually underneath them.

“I am mighty pissed off at continuously picking up my families socks. I have asked them over and over to, but they still don’t. If I see another sock I am going to scream! I don’t want to do this any more. (sobbing). I am crying about fucking socks!”

Me: “What I am hearing is that you feel like your family undervalue you. The sock is a symbol. What do you think it may represent?”

“That I am worthless. That I am not good for anything other than touching their disgusting, smelly socks. I have a joint honours degree for God sake!”

Me: “I am hearing you maybe don’t feel entirely fulfilled?”

“I put my career on hold for my husband to chase his dream of becoming a partner. I have done all the kids stuff and now they are reaching secondary age. I feel like he is never here. He said early on he had to do this to “prove” himself, but then when he achieved his goal, it got even worse. I feel like a have been a single mother the whole time while wearing a wedding ring.”

We reach the beach. We both just stand and watch the waves coming in across the sand.

“I am going to talk to all three of them. I am not able to go on feeling like I am there to serve them. We are all in this family and we will all participate. “

Me: “I think that sounds really reasonable.”

Three hours later.

“I think I am going to do a PHd. “

I love the life epiphanies people get while out in the wild. It never happens when you are in Tesco. You don’t suddenly find peace in the middle of the work day. You need a change of scene, to be somewhere that feels truly awesome and you need to be completely relaxed.

Strangely, I don’t cry. It was a mental mechanism that was turned off in me as a child and I do remember the moment it happened. Someone close to me when I eventually broke down said to me “Good. I am glad you are crying” and from that day, I have never really cried. I think that this has caused me a lot of problems in life because we all know in the fabric of our soul that crying means being broken. I have reached the most I can tolerate of this. And so I have always been described as “Strong” or “Brave” or a “warrior”. No one can be those things. Well, maybe sometimes. But it would be to deny our beautiful human existence, to not feel at the end of sorrow, grief or frustration. And so we are all having emotional journeys from which we are all trying to heal and grow from. Mine is to work on crying. Sounds totally weird, doesn’t it? Almost uncomfortable. We are told for most of our lives to supress our emotions. They make people uncomfortable. But we all reach an age eventually that actually, making people uncomfortable is the only way to move through the distress or pain they are causing us.

So imbedded in our culture is the drive to mask our emotions, that most of us don’t even have the vocabulary. I asked three children (age 9 and 11) to write down all the emotion words they could think of between them. They could come up with 7, only two of which were positive. This totally shocked me! Shouldn’t we be teaching this in schools? My kids have a weekly spelling test. When I last asked my son how he did, he said “Great. I got 9 out of 10”. I looked at the list for the week. I asked him “Do you know what ‘disenfranchised’ means?” The answer was no to 7 out of the 9 words.

The work I do is based on two practices, Emotion coaching (by John Gottman Ph.D) and Non-violent communication (Marshall B Rosenberg).

Most of the sessions are not about crying. Mostly it is laughter, talking, stories, me being a nature nerd and showing you medicinal plants and fungi, and magical sea weed to boost your immune system and invigorate your metabolism. Most of all the session is about fun. It could involve wild swimming, fire pit cooking, milk bottle fishing, paddle boarding or body boarding. A long hike or a walk through a local park.

Adventure days can be 1:1 or small group. Each session is bespoke to your particular interests and time constraints and include food and transport. Prices from £20 per hour. Available during the week or weekends.

info@into-the-wild.org.uk

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